My Hubby - Daddy to be

When I started this blog, it was early this year, which was the time when I have failed 4 IVF cycles in 3 years since 2010. This blog was a platform for me to release my emotions. It was the time I was at dilemma whether to continue my fertility battle, especially when your fertility doctor whom at first very optimistic on you, after 3 failed IVF. started to hint that perhaps I should think about a cut-off point, and I have quitted my job, hoping that IVF can success without stress, but still, my fourth IVF was a failure.


I must admit, I am not a very determined person, I wanted to give up each time IVF fails, despite running out tears sometimes the day when I receive negative baby hormone test. I thought of adoption, I thought of forget about baby, find a new job & continue my life. It was indeed, my lovely husband whom supported me throughout the ups & downs. Every time after knowing the negative result, I think there were about 9 times failure including frozen embryo transferred , my hubby tried his very best to stand by my side, despite how busy he was during the result day. He just doesn't want to leave me alone to face the failure. I knew, even he kept silence, he must be equally sad, but he never tell me to stop trying, instead, he encouraged me to continue another cycle, until my biological condition doesn't permit me to do so.


His rational is:

1. We only need one sperm to form a good embryo - despite his sperm is not at good quality & quantity, but he believes its just a matter of time to get the right sperm merge with right ovum.


2. Having a baby has age limit, he said he wants me to think seriously whether I really want to give up, coz age is catching up, he doesn't want me to try after 45 years old, too risky & lower success rate.


3. He said if I really want to adopt, he doesn't want to continue IVF cycle, because he said he can't guarantee to equally love our own child & the adopted child, & it will be very unfair to the adopted child.


4. Unless all doctors give up on me & tell me that I can't conceive, he will agree to stop IVF.


5. Base on biological cycle, he said I can only go through about 4 IVF cycles in a year. Budget about RM 80K per year, with all miscellaneous. He said, we can downgrade our life style to save some $ for IVF, & he will take up loan if needed.


6. I suggested why not we go government hospital, fees is cheaper at about RM 7K per cycle I heard, he said we don't have much time to try, unless we have no choice, else try look for good fertility doctor, which usually from private sector.


Along the journey, he believes that eating well & maintain healthy lifestyle will help increase our chances, this was what we did.


1. Dr Prashant advised that he needs to take food with rich antioxidant, he said blueberries & strawberries has very rich antioxidant, so, typically one month before IVF cycle, he will buy lots of blueberries & strawberries to eat....I think about 1 box each everyday for few months or as & when we saw fresh supply in supermarket.


2. He also started to have some exercise - walking on treadmill at night after his busy schedule


3. He wanted me to follow Dr Prashant advise - eat deep sea fish, salmon & cod fish, rich in Omega 3 & protein - until a stage when I actually ate these two type of fish for 1 month and I am so scared of looking at this fish nowadays. I told him the sea fish could be contaminated with mercury, his argument is whether I am concern about lack of essential vitamins or getting poison. He believes my eating habit, where I actually eat more vegetables than meat, posted me risk of weaker body to support pregnancy than the risk of getting poison.


When we are desperate, we tend to find all ways, especially when people said eat this eat that can help have baby, from Traditional Chinese Medicine, to all kinds of Direct Sales Product & even Reflexology. I been thru the journey & I tried all these easy way, also spent lots of money. Imagine I bought RM 10K Shuang Hor Lingzhi and Pollen product at one time for both of us to consume just because the sales lady was so good in hitting my hot button!


My hubby believe go for certified doctor advise, don't spend $ unnecessary on unproven or tested method. Example:


a) He doesn't believe in Traditional Chinese Method (TCM), until one day we met Dr Helena, she did the scanning for me to determine ovum pick up date as Dr Prashant was on leave. We asked her how to increase our chance this round as we failed many rounds previously, her first answer was go for acupuncture after embryo transfer, she said higher success rate, & I can get from contact of Chinese SinSeh from counter, she has patients whom were success with acupuncture.


I did that acupuncture but still fail, after the Chinese SinSeh gave me various Chinese Medication to increase my fertility, I was with this Chinese SinSeh for 1.5 years, especially when I wasn't working, I typically went there twice a week for acupuncture & consultation back with all Chinese medicine powder to drink everyday.....


Until a day when I met Dr Soh for second opinion, his advise is for me to stop TCM since he highly suspect I have hormone imbalance, & TCM worsen my situation. I wasn't too sure if this is right, but after spending so much time & $, I thought I really need to seriously prioritize what to spend financially especially when we are already living with single person income.


Since 2013, I started a jobless life, it was indeed very boring & uncomfortable for first 6 months, for someone whom has very busy schedule, emails & phone non stop coming in a day, suddenly life is so quiet & my corporate friends has no time for me, I was indeed lost myself for a period, again, especially when IVF cycle that I have high hope - failed.


Sometimes I wake up in the morning with fear, I wasn't too sure how many times more IVF cycles I need to go thru. Its not painful physically but its emotional torture for me. I wasn't too sure whether I am doing the right thing or wasting my life, ultimately many childless couple still live happily & those with children have their own pain & challenge, which if given a choice to choose, they rather not having kids than an abnormal one.....



However, every time when I see relatives & friends have new born, cute babies & kids posting on their facebook, I am still a sour grape, & this dilemma went over & over for months until hubby has to use soft & hard method to counselling me....


Being a Chinese, I also follow advice to ask the 'God'. I pay for many "master" consultations, whom gave me different answers whether I will have kids or not, some even want us to change feng sui & etc. I try follow advise & instructions whenever I can, but I can tell you, no one ever told me that I can have Twins! & I also can’t confirm which god has help me eventually.....


For a period of time, I try settle down my mind, I go to gym - attend Yoga class every day. I cook at home every day, I learn how to cook my hubby favourite dish. I go to networking event to meet new friends from others industry. I reconnect with friends whom I seldom contact, especially those whom we share the same pain....whenever I am not seeing doctor...


I stop facial & buying expensive facial product, hubby said don't want me to contaminated with all chemical, also I need to cut my expenses.


I realized, by having a normal life, I eat balanced diet on time, exercise daily, sleep early @ 10pm & well, no work stress, everyday just try enjoy life, my skin complexion was getting much better than when I used to go facial bi-weekly in the past! My mood indeed was better, that I don't easily get irritated by others as in the past.


The pain of failure is like yesterday & I wanted to say without my hubby...I think I won't reach where I am today - 32 weeks pregnant with twins at normal weight. Both my boy & my girl are now 1.5 kg....another 5 more weeks, I am confidence both will reach min 2kg before they see their lovely daddy....